This post was originally found here...http://ow.ly/mrzY30gkWlF
Fear vs Anger
Another illustration from Bryan Post’s From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted, Foster and Diagnosed Children to keep in mind. Understanding that anger is an expression of fear is a key to understanding your child’s behaviors. When we can receive their anger as a gift, we can begin the unwrapping process. But why is this so difficult? And how can we go about unwrapping such an unwanted gift?
Well for one, it is scary to see anyone expressing anger. And our fear often prompts anger in us which only serves to trigger more fear in our children and that triggers more fear in us… well, you get the picture - it's a cycle. The unwrapping therefore begins with each and every one of us as parents. And that is why it is so difficult.
What about the gift part? Our children, like ourselves, don’t really know how to handle fear so anger is the best way they know. It is their gift to us, a need they have to help them feel safe. But wait, there’s more! It is also a chance (gift) for us to get to know ourselves, our own fears and thus come to grips with that which keeps us from the love we so desire both for ourselves and for our children.
Bryan puts it this way - “It is your own fear that will cause the greatest struggle in your relationship with your adopted child.” So learn to recognize your fears and you will be able to help your children with their fears.
Remember that what we are really doing is helping our children with their developmental milestones which cannot be rushed and cannot be ‘disciplined’ into existence. But they can be nurtured as well as ‘natured’ with the right environment. Neurosciences shows us that it is indeed both 'nature and nurture' and not 'nurture vs nature' that we need to contend with and both can be influenced by us. Both the expression of genes and the genes themselves can be changed.
“Never give up on your children because you never know when some developmental milestone will be met that will help them better learn the most appropriate dynamics for social and emotional living.” —Bryan Post
Choose to unwrap the gift of anger — David Durovy